Chingford Festival

Following a gloriously sunny Saturday the Chingford festival looked to be perfect picnic opportunity but, as ever, the weather conspired against us and a monsoon ensued for most of the day.

It was another one of these complicated festivals, 10 points for a win, 5 for a draw, nothing for a loss and a point per try up to 5. When the organisers decide this do they ever stop to think about the poor match reporters they’ll cause large headaches trying to do the maths?

Brentwood’s first pool game, as ever on the furthest pitch from the club house, was against Romford and Gidea Park.

Brentwood U16s 5 Romford and Gidea Park U16s 0

Brentwood , having played American Football for most of the warm up, never really looked like getting anywhere near to their potential for the majority of the first half. There was the odd flash of potential here and there but nothing particularly to write home about and whilst Brentwood had most of the ball play was mainly in the middle of the park and Romford looked very comfortable in defence. With games only being 7 and a half minutes each way Brentwood really needed to up their game.

The second half was much the same as the first although Brentwood slowly started to show a little more promise. Eventually one attacking move flourished with some good hands amongst the backs putting Jonny in some space. Roland was on hand to support and from the resulting ruck Carl picked and smashed his way over the line. The conversion missed, 5-0 Brentwood. Unfortunately amongst this poor Roland had managed to relocate his nose half way across his face and that was to be the end of his day, talk about take one for the team!

Brentwood’s next opponents, as the thunder rumbled threateningly in the distance, were South Woodham Ferrers

Brentwood U16s 5 South Woodham Ferrers 0

This game started on a brighter note from a Brentwood point of view as Brentwood remained camped in the South Woodham 22 for a long period. The pressure finally paid off when a strong maul was formed and from quick ball the backs looped round, getting the ball as far as Sam Fry who was on hand to finish, which according to Steve’s stats makes him top try scorer for the season. The conversion missed, 5-0 Brentwood.

Following half time Brentwood continued to press and probably could have scored more points if it wasn’t for a combination of some decent last ditch defence and their own inability at times. On the plus side it wasn’t making it too difficult for me to work out how many points they were getting! Having had a try held up full time arrived and the torrential down pour that had been threatening did too, back to the handy marquee for cover!

Brentwood’s final pool game was against Westcombe Park, who, if I’m not mistaken, are the people behind Birth Certificates Please…

Brentwood U16s 5 Westcombe Park U16s 17

Alas, 3 years or so on, it appears the Westcombe lads have caught up with the “sheer physical mass” of the Brentwood boys as they comprehensively dismantled us. Admittedly Brentwood were dire, not even looking remotely alive and doing generally unheard of things like losing their own scrum. This of course put them under huge pressure and Westcombe were in no mood to be friendly, capitalising ruthlessly to go in for their first try of the game. The only consolation was the conversion missed, 5-0 Westcombe.

And then it got worse as shortly after the restart Brentwood chucked the ball away. It was hoofed on by Westcombe and the covering defence was outpaced, Westcombe collecting the ball to score the try. There wasn’t even the consolation of a missed conversion, 12-0 Westcombe and various expletives being banded around on the touchline…

Brentwood drew the second half but Westcombe still looked like the much superior team having scored yet another try straight after half time to make it 17-0 and given the time constraints basically game over. Brentwood did however manage to have the last words of sorts when Carl went over from short distance to at least get a score on the board. The conversion missed and at full time it was 17-5 to Westcombe.

This meant Brentwood progressed into the quarters as runners up in the group to face this season’s arch nemesis Woodford.

Brentwood U16s 0 Woodford U16s 10

For once, Brentwood actually started quite strongly with James going on a rampage up the wing and clearly rattling Woodford early on. In spite of this Brentwood just couldn’t capitalise on their early dominance and allowed Woodford to slowly work their way back into the game. A questionable penalty proved to be Brentwood’s undoing in end with Woodford opting to kick for the corner and then running straight through the ensuing lineout to score a try. The conversion missed and in a half where Brentwood were pretty dominant they turned round 5-0 down.

The second half saw Brentwood try hard but to no avail with Woodford quite apt at just grinding the time away. In trying to run everything knowing that time was sliding away from them Brentwood allowed the ball to go loose and conceded another try from the turn over which killed the game off leaving the full time score 10-0 Woodford.

Another season came to an end and whilst it’s been an up and down rollercoaster of frustration and elation it’s certainly never been dull!

Brentwood U16s 72 Millwall U16s 5

Was that the millennium dome…?

After a pleasant morning stroll by the river the Brentwood supporters tore themselves away from the rowers and re-assembled by the pitch to watch the game. It was a good call, Brentwood started well. Straight from the off there were some slick hands, one huge dent made in the Millwall defence by James Paton and Jake was over for the opening try before I’d even had time to blink. The conversion missed but nonetheless it was a good start, 5-0 Brentwood.

From the restart Roland set off downfield on a mazy run, probably going about three quarters of the length of the field all by himself. I have however remarked in my notes that the pitch looked extremely short! The run set up good field position for Brentwood but eventually a knock on came. Brentwood though won back the ball at the scrum and were ruthless with the turn over ball; Michael got it out quickly to Adam at fly half. He shifted it into the centres where Jake passed to Sam Fry who spun two tackles to go over under the posts. Chris Doble was on hand with the conversion, 12-0 Brentwood.

Brentwood were beginning to dominate largely in the contact by this point despite a huge amount of effort from Millwall and were being awarded many penalties as a result. One such penalty was tapped quickly, possibly by Luke but I’m not quite sure, the defence weren’t 10 so it was taken again 10 metres further up field. It was tapped again and thrown wide to the backs with Sam and Jake in the centres combining well to send Adam over for the try. Conversion missed, 17-0 Brentwood.

The next try came from another turned over scrum. The ball again was thrown wide quickly with Sam Fry the recipient of the scoring pass to score his second, Ian remarking that he was in jug avoidance territory for the second week. Chris added the extras, 24-0 Brentwood.

The next phase of play saw a devastating run by Pratley take out the vast majority of the Millwall defence, rather them trying to tackle him that me, and with Michael and Adam pulling a clever switch move Jake was able to send Matt Smith over for another. The conversion from wide missed, 29-0 Brentwood.

Brentwood were in full flow now with Adam making a lovely break but the following pass just being dropped 5 metres from the line. The resulting scrum however saw Brentwood turn the ball over again and James went crashing off the back to score. It was in fact brutal. The conversion missed, 34-0 Brentwood.

The forwards were obviously getting a bit miffed at the backs getting all the glory in the match so the next try involved pretty much none of them and I think those that tried to get involved were told where to go. Much crashing and bashing later and Rob scrambled over the try line. The conversion missed, 39-0 Brentwood.

The last try of the half was also Brentwood’s. Millwall won their lineout 5 metres out from the try line but unfortunately decided to try a speculative pass which went straight to Matt Whaley who fell over for one of the pikiest tries you’ll ever seen. Adam whacked the conversion over, 46-0 Brentwood.

With that came half time and some chit chat to Jodie lead to me complaining about how the woman who does the Wasps commentary always goes off on one about Josh Lewsey’s shorts and I find it quite irritating. Dee interjected to tell me all I’d done for the entire first half was witter on about how the Millwall player’s shorts were too long and that their socks didn’t match. Thankfully the second half began before I had to get myself out of that one…

Brentwood began from where they left off with some unselfish play amongst the backs sending Michael, who I think was now playing on the wing, over for a try. Chris Doble popped the conversion over, 53-0 Brentwood.

Brentwood ’s next move saw their lineout overthrown straight to Chris Doble. Although Billy tells me it was meant to be thrown that far but I remain unconvinced. Chris, however, didn’t waste the opportunity and swatted a defender to bulldoze his way over the try line. Having scored he then stepped up to convert his own try which bout up the 60 for Brentwood.

Brentwood ’s front row continued to destroy anything placed in front of them and won another scrum against the head. This time the ball was switched quickly to the large blind side and Dan put Michael over for his second. The conversion missed, 65-0.

The fact that both Michael and Sam were now both on for a hat trick threw up the problem that they both wanted it to get it first and so refused to pass to each other, Sam getting particularly fed up that Michael didn’t pass to him when he was free on the wing. Another scrum won by Brentwood saw Sam then go rocketing through the defence on a line off Adam but he was hauled down only inches short much to Michael’s amusement. Carl capitalised and scored the typical props deadly from 5 inches out type try. Chris knocked the conversion over, 72-0 Brentwood.

Millwall though were determined not to end without a try of their own. And credit to them they kept on tackling and kept on competing as if the game was 0-0. Eventually they got their reward and got one back, receiving the biggest applause of the day to bring the score to 72-5 and finished the game well in the ascendancy when they so nearly scored a second.

Hopefully Brentwood can now perform in the same manner at the festival next weekend but I’ll be honest, I’d be most grateful if you’d keep the score down, it not only takes me ages to report but is also very challenging to my mental arithmetic!

Brentwood U16s 60 Burnham U16s 0

Brentwood rack up some points…

Upon arriving at Brentwood the first thing I heard was “Becky, don’t suppose you fancy reffing do you?” Let’s try no shall we…and with that the only even half willing volunteer to referee was EDR. This may explain the score line; the game flowed to say the least…

Brentwood , it appeared, were back in their frivolous tour mood and seemed to have decided they were going to sling it around a bit. This was again working to great effect and after a period of pressure Adam made a nice break and unloaded to Sam Fry who brushed off a couple of tackles to score the opening try. Having jogged back to the half way line he decided he’d got a few too many layers on and started removing items of clothing in the middle of the pitch (honestly you’ll see why this is relevant in a minute) and in the mean time Adam popped the conversion over, 7-0 Brentwood. And then Sue turns round and says “Did that go over? I was too busy watching Sam undress.” Anyone know if she’s been CRB checked?

The game restarted, still no penalties anywhere, and Brentwood continued to play ‘pretty’ rugby. Of course you know things are going your way when even Chris McCarthy is plucking passes off his bootlaces and putting his winger in for a try, Miles being on the end of the pass to cross the whitewash out wide. The conversion missed, 12-0 Brentwood and it appears Sue managed to keep her eyes to her self this time.

After a whirlwind start by Brentwood Burnham began to establish a foothold in the game, causing Brentwood some problems in defence. The Brentwood players playing for Burnham, Luke, Mikey and Chris Doble appeared to be thoroughly enjoying playing against their usual team mates and with the inexperienced referee all sorts was going on. At scrum time, Luke and Ollie were slapping each other on the flanks, Billy and Mikey were tussling at the side of rucks and Chris was on the receiving end of a couple of attempted monster tackles! However the biggest tackle was the one Jonny managed to put in on Simon Brooks on the touchline, who went absolutely flying, perhaps he has issues with the photography…

Brentwood ’s next try came from a good reaction by Jonny. The ball went lose when Burnham were attacking and he pounced quickly, scooping it up and setting off up the field, he looked to be aware. But then there was Mikey, showing a turn of pace I’m not convinced he ever shows for Brentwood (I jest), he hauled Jonny down with the line beckoning. Unfortunately for Mikey, Sam Fry was up in support and retrieved the ball for a run in for his second try of the game. Adam again converted, 19-0 Brentwood and half time followed soon after.

After half time and some oxygen for EDR Brentwood continued from where they left off. They managed to disrupt a Burnham lineout and again somehow came up with the ball with Rob making a charge for the line and scoring. Adam was on target, 26-0 Brentwood.

Adam had a heavy hand and boot in Brentwood’s next try. A good up and under kick was chased well by Sam Fry, as soon as it had been caught Sam was up with the tackle and as a result the ball was turned over. It was flung wide to Paul who went tearing down the wing, drew the defender and passed the ball back inside to Adam who also got caught but popped the ball back to Matt Gray who, having just entered the field of play, fell over the try line to score and got bundled by Chris Doble for his troubles. Despite Luke and Mikey putting him under pressure, Adam knocked the conversion over, 33-0 Brentwood.

Brentwood ’s next platform was set by a slashing run by James down the wing and a spectacular juggle by Matt Whaley which was unfortunately just knocked on. However at the scrum, and with Ollie probably pulling Luke’s hair, Brentwood won the ball back, a charge from Carl made further metres, Sam Fry took pity on Billy and passed to send him over the try line. Again Billy tells me I missed his mazy run where he beat 7 defenders with lethal side steps to score from the half way line, I think it was just jug avoidance on Sam’s part! Adam again converted, 40-0 Brentwood.

Things were starting to get a little ridiculous now with Ollie throwing a through the legs Carlos Spencer type pass but everything Brentwood tried seemed to be working. The forwards were winning quick ball which meant the backs were on the front foot and swift hands along the backline again saw Paul steam in the corner for a try. Adam missed the conversion, Luke telling everyone loudly that it being a pressure kick had gotten to him…45-0 Brentwood.

The next issue for Brentwood was that having leant Burnham players and with various forwards injuries they were a flanker down. Chuck one of the backs in then, Sam Fry getting overly excited about getting to join the ‘real men’ in the scrum for one game only. Georgina was however less excited; the prospect of his ears getting messed up was almost too much for her! Following having a back in the scrum Ollie and Ross decided they should readdress the balance by lurking in the centres in the next phase of open play. Despite yells from the spectators to get back in the rucks, they combined well to make space for Adam to put James into enough space to jink his way through for another try. The conversion missed, 50-0 Brentwood.

By this point, I was struggling to keep up with what was going on since Brentwood were scoring at quite a rate and the mental math’s was proving difficult. Due to this I’m lead to believe Brentwood’s score was probably forward orientated since I’ve written smash, smash, and smash. I vaguely recall Pratley make some powerful runs, whatever had happened the end result was another try for Rob. Conversion missed, 55-0 Brentwood.

Brentwood’s final score came swiftly afterwards with Brentwood having re-gathered the restart and made some yards back towards the Burnham line. The rain was just starting to come down and everybody was yelling time at EDR when James picked a great line off Adam and went sashaying through the Burnham defence to score the final try of the game. The conversion missed, 60-0 Brentwood and full time.

A great display of running rugby from Brentwood and commiserations to Burnham for not getting on the score sheet since the score line does not reflect the times Burnham left Brentwood’s defence in disarray and we were, as ever, bailed out by Roland nailing his man at fullback. Special thanks must be extended to EDR too, I have never seen a game flow so well and only about 6 penalties in the entire match must mean both teams were stunningly well disciplined!

TOUR REPORT – CAMBUSTERS 2008

Friday

Chocks away…

“Do you know where your team leader will be?” was the first thing the security guard asked upon our arrival at Pontins in the gloriously picturesque ahem settings of Camber Sands. “In the bar of course Old Bean” was the reply he got as we drove in leaving the Security Guard quite perplexed. Obviously he didn’t know quite what he was in for with this rugby tour weekend. Of course our team leaders were in the bar which pretty much set the precedent for the rest of the weekend.

The first tour meeting was at 19.00 hours outside the block where the majority of the tour party were situated. The men as ever were taking the theme very seriously with RAF gear, flying hats, pipes and flying jackets galore but the Chambers contingent out did everybody with full RAF uniform being worn by every member. Tour rules were read out, tour judge introduced, Nipper the dog (for those who weren’t touring Nipper was a paper maché dog on a skateboard who a nominated person had to look after for one hour and also doubled up as a place to put fines) was given to one of the twins, tin hats given to all the snitches (for this year only known as hodges), and tour shirts were given out…or they should have been but the man who was supplying them, Brooksy, was notable by his absence. The touring party was then manoeuvred to the front gate to greet Brooksy where other people turning up were left wondering what on earth they were letting themselves in for this weekend. Alas the party got hungry so another meeting was scheduled for 20.00 hours in which to get the tour shirts. Fortunately they were quite natty but it did however leave Brooksy a wanted man on the first night.

The remainder of the evening was spent in the “club” upstairs by the adults with the women rather taking a liking to the rule of having to call mayday when their drinks were empty as it meant the men actually paid attention to them and got them another drink when normally they wouldn’t have bothered. Much dancing ensued and then, when a rubbish song came on and everyone had returned to their seats, a doodlebug call. A doodlebug, for those of you who don’t know, is the colloquial name for the german V-1 guided missile according to wikipedia and in the case of tour meant that everyone had to take cover until all was clear. So as soon as Gibbo yelled “DOODLEBUG!” 40 plus people all leapt under surrounding chairs and tables whilst everyone else looked completely bamboozled, I was still laughing about it the following morning! As for the boys, well nobody had seen them for hours. As it turns out they’d found a local pub and were all happily drinking the night away. This not being surprising, what hope did they have with their parents?! Rumour has it they also paid a visit to the sand dunes (a rumour confirmed when the following morning various people where seen shaking sand out of items of clothing) and that also various items were misplaced on the sand dunes, including unfortunately last years spoon gun…

At club kick out time most people retired to their chalets with some exceptions heading to the Officer’s Mess in Dibbo’s in the case of the adults or to the Swampy chalet in the case of the boys. I’d suggest it was heavy night having been woken at some point from my slumber to hear Basso minor chundering…that’s a charge isn’t it?

Saturday

Spiffing show boys…

Saturday began with lots of people in dark glasses getting on a coach at 10.00 hours to head for the rugby fields. Of course they weren’t quite bargaining for the magical mystery tour in which they were taken on all around the Camber countryside having motored straight past the rugby field. Upon eventually arriving on the coach the boys were informed they had 4 minutes until kick off so the warm up consisted of jogging over to the pitch. With every other team taking the competition seriously and having been safely tucked up in bed by 22.30hours the previous night hopes in the Brentwood camp were not high.

Brentwood U16s 10 Old Albanians U16s 0

Good lord, where did that jolly good show come from…

Waiting for the referee to blow the whistle for the manoeuvre to begin someone remarked that there was something decidedly odd about the pitch…after much brain power used trying to work out what was missing the nail was hit on the head, no posts! So much for the grind down the field and drop a goal tactic then…

As the whistle blew Aldous minor exclaimed “Chocks away!” which went to show just how seriously the boys intended on taking this manoeuvre. Surprisingly, and despite two injuries in the opening moments of the manoeuvre, Brentwood started very well. They had all the possession and all the territory and Oggle minor, Smith minor, Fry minor and Whalo minor were making large dents in the hun defence. With good possession and good territory Chambers minor put in a nice kick which bounced up nicely, was got to Oggle minor who darted and did enough to pass to Aldous minor who fell over the line. Later on after the umpteenth time of Aldous minor telling everyone he’d dashed twenty yards and around 6 defenders to score Oggle minor confided in me that he should have gone for it himself…Since there were no posts there was no conversion to miss, 5-0 Brentwood and the boys put their wings out and flew back to half way.

In sticking with the “we haven’t got a hope in hell lets go out and try anything” theme McCarthy minor/McMuffin gave an up and under a bash. As you might imagine it was terrible. Fortunately half time came and spectators were allowed to pick their jaws up off the floor following some quite stunning rugby.

The second half left the Brentwood support even more flabbergasted. Some spectacular offloading saw Brentwood playing beautiful rugby and lead Aldous/The Red Baron to suggest that the boys must still be drunk and think the ball is a pint since normally they’d have dropped it. After a great deal of flinging it about Smith minor was on the end of a wonderful try, 10-0 Brentwood, some more flying back to half way and not long after, full time.

Oggle’s team talk was full of praise but the quote which fitted perfectly was that of Gray minor, “it was good but what’s funnier is that they think they were beaten by a load of kids who want to be pilots”.

In the interval between the next manoeuvres the dads set off to find the beer tent. But horror of all horrors, there wasn’t one! There wasn’t a drop of beer to be found in the entire field, what kind of a rugby weekend was this?! Coffee all round then…

Brentwood U16s 10 Dartfordians B 0

More spiffing rugby…

The start to this manoeuvre was probably not as bright as the last one as the boys had actually decided to take it slightly more seriously what with them now having a chance of winning and a few passes started going astray.

Never the less the boys persevered and following a Chambers minor kick and an excellent chase from Smith minor a ferocious maul ensued with the ball being held up over the line. From the resulting scrum Brentwood won a penalty and McCarthy minor stepped up to take the crash ball. And crash he did, there was a collective ooooh on the touchline as he absolutely mullered the hun defender on his way to the try line. 5-0 Brentwood.

Not to be outdone the backs returned to their flowing best in the period before half time with a lovely move from Chambers minor, Fry minor, Mathias minor and Lowry minor almost resulting in another try.

Following the swift half time turn around Brentwood carried on pressing and playing some good rugby, eventually culminating in Adams minor just being held up over the line. After another 5 metre scrum some quick ball was whipped the other way and Lowry minor went over in the opposite corner. 10-0 Brentwood.

10-0 was how Brentwood decided it should stay, I say this since Dobbo minor decided he’d smash his own player, Gray minor, rather than the Dartfordians player…Gray minor was less than impressed.

The next interval saw some snacking, some moaning at MacClean for coming all this way on tour and getting injured and a doodlebug call which resulted in some more odd looks.

Brentwood U16s 0 Braintree U16s 0

Stalemate on the Camber front…

Brentwood’s next manoeuvre was a familiar hun, frequently played back in Essex, Braintree. Despite lots of effort the Braintree defence held firm and it seemed like Brentwood were taking all this far too seriously rather than having fun like in the first manoeuvre. As well as this all I’ve written in my notebook is “hmmm 0-0 HT” so I’m afraid you’re not going to get a massively detailed report for this one…

The second half also ended in a stalemate, possibly as a result of some bizarre reffing decisions which really stopped either team getting into the swing of things. The 0-0 draw left Brentwood second in the group for Sunday’s knock out manoeuvres.

Following Saturday’s manoeuvres I’m lead to believe most of the boys headed off swimming whilst most of the adults tried to grab 40 winks.

20.00 hours at the original meeting point was where this years tour court was to take place, bought forward from its normal Sunday spot due to various families abandoning tour early because of revision classes…revision before rugby, honestly what is the world coming to? This year’s tour judge was Taffy with Swampy as Defence and Basso/The Spiv as Prosecution. Brooksy was up for being late arriving with the tour shirts, he was found guilty and made to wear the specially crafted tour tart dress for the remainder of the night, the 5 sicknotes were up; Ison minor, Morgan minor, Basso minor, MacClean (having apparently caught his injury from standing next to Ison minor for too long) and Taffy minor and were made to go before the firing squad in which they were blindfolded with masking tape and each had an egg smashed on their head. McCarthy was up due to McCarthyette minor breaking the tail of Nipper but not being old enough to take responsibility for her actions and he had to eat a lemon, serial offender Philipsette/Bev was up for not packing correct tour outfits but was let off the hook, the Whalos, Grays and Lowrys were up for having had their own breakaway group and were all given strange head gear and on the call of “It’s fun to stay at the…” they had to jump up and sing “YMCA” complete with actions. There was also Ross of the Chambers contingent who had not only neglected Nipper but had been seen by Dibbo to be running around in a towel that morning, he was found guilty despite Swampy claiming that Dibbo’s slightly blurred eyes from the previous night meant he was an unreliable witness, and placed on bar watch for an hour, meaning he had to wander round the bar in a pair of Baywatch style red skimpies. Unfortunately the security took exception to this so he only managed 5 minutes. Lastly was Mathias, still a wanted man from the previous year. He compounded matters by being a full half hour late for the court session and his punishment carried over from last year with Aldousette minor having a savage time waxing his legs ably assisted by Morganette. He then wore a delightful purple spangly dress (as worn previously by some woman in Corrie) for the remainder of the night as well as some stockings to show off his new silky smooth legs.

Court adjourned it was over to the downstairs bar. Where the bluecoats tried to encourage us to play bingo. No thanks. After the complete bingo flop they decided deal or no deal was a good idea, the response of this was for our party to fly off to the upstairs bar/club. Here we were to be “entertained” by some Kylie Minogue wannabe and some terrible bluecoats with even worse dance moves. Funnily as soon as the bluecoats left the dance floor and they put some normal music on the place absolutely filled up…Rocky was quick to hit the dance floor for the Madness compilation, Swampyette got a bit overexcited at Wham and of course the YMCA came on, much to the amusement of our YMCA clan who all got up and danced. By the end of the night everyone was on the dance floor and a good night was had by all. After kick out time again the adults headed back to the Officer’s Mess and, having been given an official invitation back, myself and Swampyette minor decided we should go and check it out. As ever Dibbo had done a wonderful job with authentic masking tape on the windows to stop them blowing in in the case of a bombing, maps on the walls to plan manoeuvres, 40’s music blaring, Winston Churchill’s speeches to punctuate the music and of course the all important well stocked fridge and optics. Having had a drink and stacked it over the step at least twice we decided to head back to Swampy’s chalet where Dobbo minor and Basso minor were doing their best Gordon Ramsey impressions, cooking pizza for the hungry mob and yelling “get the #### out of my kitchen” whilst in the corner a game of spoons was going on between two of the Chambers contingent much to the amusement of onlookers. The pizza took 20 minutes to be cooked and 2 minutes to be absolutely decimated and with that Swampyette packed everyone off to bed. At some point during this night it was discovered that Taffy minor had managed to projectile vomit off the balcony right in front of the Basso’s front door…pleasant…a thanks goes to Dibbo minor minor, Ogglette and Swampyette for attempting to get rid of it.

Sunday

I must say old bean, it’s a little nippy…

Sunday saw Brentwood actually manage to turn up for manoeuvres with more than 10 minutes to warm up. A warm up that was much needed since the air had a distinctly arctic feel to it. Their semi final manoeuvre was to be again against familiar hun, Chingford.

Brentwood U16s 10 Chingford U16s 15

Beaten by a familiar hun…

One late night too many…Brentwood were very slow to start, with everyone lumbering around somewhat but eventually they got into their rhythm and after turning Chingford ball over Chambers minor put in a nice kick which was followed by an even better chase from Smith minor in which he absolutely smashed the man with the ball. Chingford managed to recycle but were under pressure and their attempted clearance kick was charged down, ricocheting straight to Dobbo minor. He fed it on to Fry minor who drew the defender and passed to Smith minor who again drew the defender and popped it off to Adams minor who raced in to the corner for the try he deserved for all his hard work in previous games. 5-0 Brentwood.

Now what’s the golden rule just after you score a try? It is of course don’t do a completely numpty thing like drop the restart…so of course Brentwood did and straight away Chingford were back on the front foot with a strong maul getting them further down field. A clever kick was dinked over the top of the Brentwood defence and bounced back to a Chingford player who went over for the score. 5 all.

Brentwood could really have done with holding out to half time and regrouping but unfortunately Chingford had gone up a gear following getting level and some good hands made it hard to defend against them and soon they were in for their second score, 10-5 Chingford.

The second half started with Smith minor taking out one of the spectators quite spectacularly, he went absolutely flying. Unfortunately Brentwood couldn’t tackle the Chingford players like that and after dropping off about 12 tackles it was no surprise to see Chingford scoring their third. 15-5 Chingford.

Brentwood rallied after this, nicking the ball in contact and being generally strong in the forwards. It was left to the backs to apply the gloss and after a bit of swishing Chambers minor was over for the try. 15-10 Chingford but unfortunately time was against Brentwood and this is how the score remained. The dreaded 3^rd v 4^th place playoff loomed.

As the day wore on the arctic chill in the air was getting ever chillier, fortunately McCarthy had bought his marquee with him and there was sufficient room for a fair amount of people to huddle in there and keep out of the wind for a while. The boys were unenthusiastic about the upcoming game, especially Aldous minor who, being the girl that he is, asked if he could possibly play in his tracksuit as he was cold…awww diddums…

Brentwood U16s 0 Braintree U16s 5

Scramble old boy…

It was another game against Braintree to finish things off. The boys were all too cold and hungover to be in any mood to play for third so decided they were going to revert back to the tactics of the first manoeuvre and do whatever they wanted. Of course this didn’t factor in having completely the wrong ball, not that Brentwood had noticed but Braintree had their wits about them. Whilst waiting for someone to locate a proper ball Chambers minor and Fry minor were spotted dancing in the middle of the field (yes I saw you!) to keep warm, unfortunately it looked likely that it was Aldousette who had been teaching them her salsa moves…(If you came salsa dancing you would know why this is bad!)

By the time a new ball was located everyone was frozen and tackling was half hearted to say the least, Braintree, who were probably taking the game a tad more seriously, capitalised and scored a deserved try, 5-0.

Brentwood had managed to warm up a bit by now and were complaining less when they won a lineout deep into Braintree territory. The next call that was heard was “SCRAMBLE!!” and all the backs piled in for a 13 man lineout. I have never seen a hun team look so confused. Fortunately the ball was thrown in straight and won cleanly and then all the backs piled into the maul, sources in the forward pack suggest they were “very excited to finally be allowed in with the real men.” Unfortunately with the sheer amount of people in the maul the ball was held up over the try line but it was a jolly good effort!

The second half saw Lowry minor go down badly injured. As we looked along the touchline it was realised that Brentwood were completely out of back replacements. Fortunately super sub Swampy minor was on hand, not only can he cover every position in the pack he can also cover the wing…this only went to provide more entertainment on the touchline with assorted calls of “You see those 5 men, you’ve got to tackle them all!”. Pratley then decided he’d try his hand at kicking and the game turned into absolute mayhem for a while until McCarthy minor and Pratley decided to tighten it up a bit, getting close to the line but unfortunately at some point the ball was dropped.

Brentwood , now thoroughly enjoying themselves, continued to press and with the last move of the game went for the cross field kick. To Swampy minor’s wing. Someone on the pitch, I can’t remember who, tells me that he’d just got up from a ruck and wondered who on earth the ball was aimed for when suddenly out of the corner of his eye he saw this tall, skinny guy who windmills his arms when he runs hairing down the wing and realised it was Swampy minor. Unfortunately Swampy minor was just a yard of pace to slow to catch the kick but he thumped the Braintree defender in the tackle. He tells me however that had anyone had the decency to tell him the move he’d have been there and most definitely scored.

Manoeuvre over, it would have been intelligent to pack up and head back to the warmth of Pontins, but oh no. Since Chingford were in the final against some unpronounceable welsh team it was decided we should stay and support them. A blizzard then duly started as it had been threatening to all day and the Brentwood mob legged it for the grand stand to watch the final.

Nestled in nicely in the grandstand, sheltered from the snow and doing Mexican waves it seemed like maybe it wouldn’t be too bad watching the final. Except of course that the game wasn’t being played on the pitch in front of the grandstand so we all had to up and move out into the blizzard. To say it was cold is an understatement but the combination of the Brentwood boys and the Braintree boys bought together by their dislike of the welsh and the need to support the fellow Essex boys meant the game was quite entertaining. Handy since all that was occurring on the pitch was lineout, not straight, scrum. Alas in the end the welsh triumphed and everyone legged it back to the coaches to get back to the warm.

The blizzard continued for most of the afternoon, much brandy and coffee was consumed by the Basso’s and their neighbours and those who were ditching tour early sloped off into the snow.

The remaining members of the tour party congregated in the pub at some point and decided to head into Rye to get some food at 18.00hours. By this point everyone was cold and starving so it was most welcome. The service wasn’t great but I did manage to nab the last chocolate tart before Morganette minor so it was all worth it in the end!

At 21.00 hours the party reconvened in the club to hear the Macarena for the 400^th time that weekend. And then watch some awful, awful magic show. As a result of this the alcohol was going down rather too easily, even the mummies (or Doris’) decided they were going for it, it has long been accepted that with regard to the daddies if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em! At some point that evening there was a boat race between 5 of Brentwood’s elite drinkers and 5 of Braintree’s. I am informed that we may have lost to them in the rugby but we wiped the floor with them in the drinking having had 2 previous nights practice! The boys then returned to the club and persuaded myself and Swampyette minor to get their beers in and some dancing ensued.

Eventually an executive decision was taken to return to the Officer’s Mess so everybody stumbled off into the slush. (Many thanks for Swampy minor and Pratley for aiding me with the stairs…). The drinking carried on as did a game of Silent Night, possibly the stupidest game I’ve ever witnessed. It came about since Swampyette minor had nicked a drinks tray from the bar, apparently this Silent Night game entails singing the well know Christmas Carol, Silent Night, whilst smacking each other in turn on the head with a tray. As far as I can tell there is no way to win this game or any point in it whatsoever but it had everyone in hysterics. The tray was a little dented by the end of it to say the least! Dibbo kept the music going and the drink flowing all night, the main alchies of the team were the last ones standing as ever; Oggle, Swampy, Basso, Dibbo, Taffy, Sprinks/Godfrey, Bassoette, Pratley, Dibbo minor, Hardcore, Basso minor, Taffy minor, Taffy minor minor, myself, Swampyette minor and Swampy minor. McCarthy and The Red Baron had also put in an appearance but escaped at round 02.30 hours. Myself, Swampyette minor and the lads were all squished on the sofa whilst the adults, and I use that term loosely, were doing silly thinks like locking Godfrey in the toilet…When he eventually escaped Godfrey spent I think around 2 hours debating the world with Hardcore in the corner whilst, Taffy minor minor kept a continuous flow of sherry going to Swampy minor and Swampyette minor fell asleep on Pratley. At some point Basso minor and Swampy minor escorted Swampyette minor back to her lodgings whilst I had some strange conversation with Dibbo minor. Eventually they returned, Basso minor informing us he was also going to head off. This was greeted by so many boos that he decided to stay, especially when he realised that Pratley, a tour virgin, was going to beat him in staying up and he couldn’t have that. More odd conversations happened, a bit of a Marseille reminisce with Swampy minor, myself, Hardcore and Basso minor, some ribbing Hardcore for being beaten in the 6 nations fantasy league and world cup fantasy league by a girl (me in case you were wondering!), a bit more sherry for Swampy minor, some more weird conversations and eventually someone noticed Pratley had fallen asleep! Basso minor leapt for joy, got the camera phone out, took some evidence, slapped him, informed him he’d won and with that ran off to bed. Having drunk the Officer’s Mess dry 05.30 hours was when everyone else decided to call it a night. Daylight was just breaking and the seagulls were just waking up, a jolly good effort I’d say! (As a quick aside I’d like to apologise to Dibbo minor for not making him his tea with 12 sugars as promised but I’m afraid I couldn’t get near the kettle!).

Monday

Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye…

Monday morning and the vast majority of people wouldn’t have looked out of place in some kind of horror movie…Everyone was running around like nutcases trying to clear out the chalets but of course this isn’t the easiest thing to do on about 3 hours sleep! Just about everyone was fuelled by caffeine but eventually everyone managed to get out of their chalets before the cleaners turned up. Well everyone except the Morgans but that’s come to be expected! People disappeared off in dribs and drabs, some deciding to have a bracing walk on the beach to try and wake up slightly and then retreating into a nearby café upon coming across Camber’s answer to Vicky Pollard…

Lunch in Rye and then time for everyone to go their separate ways. But not before Sprinks realised he hadn’t handed his keys in, there’s always one!

Another great tour was had by all, many thanks to Taffy and Taffyette for organising everything, Dibbo for running the Officer’s Mess, the bar with the longest opening hours known to man, and for everyone who got well into the tour theme and made it so enjoyable!

Brentwood U16s 17 Barking U16s 3

Brentwood barking up the right trees… (I apologise for how terrible that is)

From a personal point of view this game started very well, for once your roving reporter had a completely unobstructed view of the entire match, the joys of a balcony meaning no Ian standing in front of me at crucial moments! The added bonus of being on the balcony was also that the icy wind that was whipping around was cancelled out nicely by all the hot air coming from the opposite direction…anyhow, on with the match!

The early play was dominated by Barking in terms of possession but for once Brentwood were defending well and Barking, whilst remaining in the Brentwood half, weren’t making too many inroads. However eventually Barking’s sustained pressure forced Brentwood into conceding a penalty, the option was taken to kick for the posts and no mistake was made, 3-0 Barking.

The vast majority of the first half carried on in this manner, Brentwood at times being their own worst enemy having just got possession and into the Barking half they would concede a mindless penalty and end up back where they started. When another Barking penalty attempt missed wide of the posts Brentwood appeared to get the wake up call they needed and began to get into the game with James and Lewis being prominent in carrying the ball.

Unfortunately, as is often the case, just as Brentwood was starting to get up a head of steam it was half time, the score remaining 3-0 to Barking.

Brentwood though actually managed to carry on from where they left off with a period of concerted pressure and many scrums won against the head. Eventually a maul was formed and crashed over the try line, only for the try to be disallowed for a foot in touch. Brentwood however regained possession and a rumble forward from James and a neat offload saw Jonny (I think) scramble over in the corner. Chris Doble stepped up for the conversion, the chatter on the balcony suggested everyone thought that with the angle he’d probably miss, but to prove us all wrong Chris stepped up and hit probably the sweetest touchline conversion he ever will as it soared straight through the middle of the posts, 7-3 Brentwood.

From then on Brentwood looked determined not to do anything stupid and continued to exert pressure from the restart after Ross “restart magnet” Cant had caught the ball yet again. The forwards were making the hard yards well and the midfield of Adam, Jake and Sam were starting to fizz, some nice creative play by Adam sending Jake bursting through the Barking defence and Sam carrying on the move only to be tackled agonisingly short of the try line.

After a bit of a palaver Brentwood ended up with a 5 metre scrum. Given their dominance in the scrum the ball was won cleanly for Michael at scrum half and was promptly given out to the backs. Using a loop they managed to manufacture an overlap for Jake to go over in the opposite corner to Jonny, the excitement being too much for me and I promptly managed to jab myself in the eye with my purple fluffy novelty pen whilst jumping up and down…back to the good old bic biro next week then…Chris again stepped up for the touch line conversion and again nailed it, 14-3 Brentwood.

The remainder of the match was mainly played in the middle of the park, at times tempers frayed a little but Billy, admittedly, captained well keeping the rest of the team calm when they needed to be. After a while Brentwood won a penalty in the Barking half and opted to kick for the posts, Chris stepped up again and slotted his easiest kick of the day to ensure the win, full time Brentwood 17 Barking 3 and a much better performance than we’ve seen in previous weeks.

A special mention must go to all the unused subs who managed to bite their tongues, quite literally in some cases, after being reprimanded by the ref and never stopped encouraging the boys on the field and also for Ross who it appears is a much better touch judge than any of the Dads since he can actually keep up with play…

Lastly, for anyone who’s interested, Carl was eventually lead from the field after Kevin’s ‘expert’ medical care saw his head bandaged up so much that he couldn’t actually see out of either eye…great credit must go to the Barking boys for waiting to clap him off and he was last seen heading to hospital for some stitching…